Wedding Party Dance

I just spoke with my old best friend, Andria, who's getting married in this coming December. Hooray! Of course, she wants me to be her bridesmaid. It sounds...good, but not good.
She hasn't decided wedding reception dances. She posted some wedding dances videos on her blog but they didn't quite seem like perfect except this one.

Dear, my Andria,

I just got shocked of all the surprising dances! It was like, "Yeah, You, Go Girl!" I guess you better pick this one up though. I'm pretty sure we can cover it and re-make our dances. I'm pretty ready to go back to choose my bridesmaid's dress. :) My wardrobe has been filled up with all the bridesmaid dresses. (very pathetic and horrible for me not to have my own wedding dress!) Anyway, give me a call asap, my little sprinkle!! We better have pre-wedding celebration parties, being excited to go to your bridal showers. :)

Le Love

And again, I broke up with my boyfriend desperately but silently without saying a word. The way he wrote the message left on Facebook was pretty much cruel to me. For few days, I've been drinking a lot to rebound and start over with my boyfriend and forget my past but all the things I've done have been nothing. My bf,...should I call him my ex? then, I couldn't let him stay beside me and he just left me away.

The pain and sorrow are coming to me cruely and obviously stabbing me inside. I thought I would not gonna cry anymore, but I'm crying, writing this post.

I should have told him about my past and what's going on in my mind. but after he knew everything about me, things were getting worse. I didn't want him to be around me..because...just in case, what if he's already known about me, even though I'm keeping my secrets deeply in my heart? And then, I started feeling horrible and realised he would leave me away, even though he was near me.

I had to lie over and over again. He started to doubt me and I've been a bad, untrustful, and suddenly disappeared girlfriend. I was getting tired of making excuses. And at the last moment, I didn't want to hide and told him the truth. I realised he got sick of this relationship and I was afraid to beg him to forgive me. I was a stupid coward.

Things were at the end and I could not say anymore. All the things he was saying to me were right and I could think that he was trying to break up. I suddenly felt like I'm walking on the broken glass pieces and I couldn't do anything like an idiot! I acted like a strong and big girl cuz I didn't want to get hurt like that again, but the pain was already hearting me out inside.

Even when I was writing the last message I sent to him, I couldn't beg him. I kept saying like, 'no, I can't just break up. Breaking up is not a game.' but I was confused and frustrated and he made everything so clear. The only thing that I could say at the moment was bye. It was totally a sad farewell.

Now, I'm still crying and crying, pretending like I feel nothing but sober? I don't know what I'm gonna do now...I can't even live for a second without him. I can beg and get him back but I'm still afraid and all I can think of was is he always told me like, 'If I break up with my girlfriend and even she begs for me to come back, I'll never turn back to go back to her. It's the way I do.'

I can't do anything. It's gonna kill me. I know I need to move on but I can't....I just can't stop loving him. We would have been perfect together but I know I messed up and it's all my fault.

I can't breathe. I can't focus. I can't even see the traffic lights while driving because of my tears. I know I need to keep this pain eating me up, but I can't because I want him more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. (Sweetie, once you read it, give me a call if you want.)

Otherwise, I can't decide what to do. I just made a counseling plan with my school advisor. If I can't get this through, I can't just stay here. I would go back to New Zealand as soon as possible as I've planned so far. I need to find out a new rebound before I kill myself.

-My blog would be closed until I get better.-

Again

Eric. The boy that I thought I gave everything of me and then, I thought I was over.
I've never seen him again for two years. I thought I was forgetting him but no more.
Few days ago, I got an international call and it was from Eric.
We used to talk on the phone all night long after the desperate break up. Anyway, he brought up all the things we shared in the past and then, he suddenly said he might come to Seattle to study abroad. After a while, I realised I loved him a lot and I should have been in Norway.

Our relationship was never serious as we were in high school. When we were going out, he was senior and I was sophmore. But at least he was in mine for few years, in my mind and even in my dreams.

I thought he got a girlfriend last year and we stopped talking. Even after he broke up with the girl, we still didn't talk. I thought I was over Eric, but the feelings I thought I no longer had - but I know now that I'd hidden all these feelings away in a tiny box and kept it deep in my heart.

And you suddenly opened the box. I was desperately trying to squish them back into the little box, but having you around me isn't painful.
I believe love doesn't last forever and it cannot lie.
But I don't know what to do when the love comes back to me again.