Easy Steps To Go Through

1.Start liking someone else quick. In this position of depression, you are very vulnerable to emotional attacks. Liking someone else will distract you from that old boy.
2.Don't listen to any slow or love songs... you will grow desperate.
3.If you are friends with him, make it clear to yourself that friendship is all he wants. He has his girlfriend because he likes her!
4.Be sensitive to him, but not overly. You'll just be digging a deeper hole for yourself.
5.There are other men, who will accept you! Go for it.
6.Go out and have some fun. Don't just stay at home thinking about what he's doing with the gf.
7.Don't cry over a man who doesn't like you.
8.Do not let yourself think that you are not attractive, or that you will never find someone better. There is always someone better.
9.If he has a MySpace, Facebook, etc, avoid his page. Seeing him and his girlfriend there will just hurt.
10.Don't have him within your top 5/10/etc, unless you are practically best friends. She'll just be suspicious.
11.Try not to look at him.
12.If you start to think about him, then think about someone else. Someone hotter.
13.Don't be calling him a lot. That's just not cool.
14.Unless you have a legit reason, just don't call/text him.
15.Don't look at him as the most important person in your life.
16.Forget him because it could effect your mental health, which will directly affect your studies. After all, your degree is more important.
17.Make sure that you self analyze your relationship and jot down the pros and cons of your relationship: This is the most important step to prepare yourself, as you will need to know exactly what makes your relationship work: Is it the love, is it the sex, is it the companionship, is it the family pressure, is it your friends etc. You need to know the strong points and the weak points in your relationship. This way you can build on the strong aspects on your relationship, while neutralizing the weak aspects.
18.Make sure that you especially analyze your faults and weaknesses: For example, if your ex-lover thought that you were self centered, then you should recognize this and thus take steps to change yourself. Don’t forget that whatever caused your relationship to fail, you hold the key inside you. However, in order to fix it, you must know what aspects of yourself to change.
19.While you are doing the self analysis above, make sure that you provide your ex-partner with some space and time. Your partner must understand that you won’t die, because your relationship has broken. Don’t forget that emotional blackmail is the worst thing that you can do. If you want to win your ex back, you must be confident and you must show your ex that life doesn’t revolve around you two.
20.Improve yourself: To show your ex that you have changed and also to show that you still have the positive qualities that you had in your relationship; you must improve yourself. At the least try to make yourself physically fit. If possible, change your job and get a better one to show that you can be a better person.
21.Make sure that you keep the channels of communication open: Go to your friends for advice. If you have the chance, make sure that you visit your ex-lovers friends. Show them that you have changed, so that they can tell your ex informally. No matter what happens make sure that you have a calm demeanor. The task ahead to make up won’t be easy; but these preparations will help you get through it.

Always Between The Lines

Just about the time the shadows call

I undress my mind and dare you to follow
Paint a portrait of my mystery
Only close my eyes and you are here with me
A nameless face to think I see
To sit and watch the waves with me till they're gone
A heart I'd swear I'd recognize is made out of my own devices.
Could I be wrong?


The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?


Sleepless nights you creep inside of me
Paint your shadows on the breath that we share
You take more than just my sanity
You take my reason not to care.
No ordinary wings I'll need
The sky itself will carry me back to you


The things I dream that I can do I'll open up
The moon for you
Just come down soon
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.


Savor the sorrow to soften the pain sip on
The southern rain
As I do, I don't look don't touch don't do anything
But hope that there is a you.

Bittersweet

Am I in You?

My heart doesn't lie like it didn't before from the day I first saw you.
I took out the old photos and journals from my secret pandora box and imagined you doing well without me. I still hear your voice and see you in my dream. Thinking of you who used to whisper "I love you" in my ear still makes me smile.
I thought you would come back to me because you knew how this break up would hurt you and me and you truly noticed that I was dying in the dark shadow, but you didn't even look back to me, walking away from me.
When I recently saw you on the street, passing by me, I couldn't even recognize you. You've changed too much so I could barely stare at you. Then, I looked down and tried to make sure that I forgot you and you're not mine anymore, but I couldn't do so, so I cried, waiting for you to catch me back.
You might meet someone else and you don't even wonder how I am living these days. You might not remember our love, fallen down on the ground like a parachute sinks into the water with no sound. I might be the only one who still fights for your love and try not to move on so I can keep good memories without being scattered away in the air.
Nobody else can break our love, even though you and I have been apart. Nobody can manipulate or judge us. That's why I follow what my heart leads, no matter what. I'll wait like this till you come back, even if it takes forever. So, I say I love you.

All I Wanna Tell You

Unrecognizable

He would say what he wants and I would listen and tell him, "Don't be silly, you know I love you."
Fortunately or unfortunately, you are not alone and I'll be always next to you, and we will have the greatest Christmas pretty soon. I'll calm down his nervous, desperate feelings.
He, then, asks me a lot of the same question nonstop with his curious, ravishing face like a little child. He can't seem to hide his smiling mind. I would say that he acts weird, making a frowny face, but, inside myself, I say he can't be more adorable than that!

I can not easily express my feelings, whether I feel good or not, without getting people mad at me, or I'm really good at acting. I pretend to look fine, self-controlling, and kinda happy in my life. Sometimes, I act to be mean, selfish, and hating, not to open my mind toward them, but I would be feeling sorry to them and saying, "It's not what I really mean, but hope you understand why." My parents and friends are also unable to define who I am like. I would be the sweetest girl temporarily, change my mind, and act so cold, blue, and even mean like chameleons change their skin colour depending on the ecosystem they live in.

Letting people leave is the hardest thing I might do, but I would leave them when I feel like they would pretty much shut down their mind and walk away from me, so that I don't get a huge broken heart. It'd be also hard to decide letting them apart away from me, but easier than getting hurt. People would tell me I'm not understandable but more vulnerable than others. Who are you like?

Not Because...

People tend to love someone to prove that they love themselves and realize that they are terrified to get hurt by the one they love so they can't easily open their minds.

Have you ever fallen in love at first sight? screwed up your relationship at the end? and looked for your new soulmate to get over your ex-boyfriend? I used to do the same. I wanted to figure out why I really got exhausted with all the things between him and me. I thought of such things like,
'Everyone makes people do funny things at the beginning of a relationship, wanting too much happiness, too much pleasure, too much beliefs, until they make you feel sick.' I know terrible circumstances and discipline were stucking him and me into the darkness but the main point wasn't, but untrustfulness devoured our love and true feelings were gone.

I tried everything to get rid of every single stuff that reminds me of him. I prayed for myself to God to be retrieved. I re-planned and started my life again, eventually my ruined body and heart didn't diminish a part of my future, which was almost vanished.

Depending on the length of the relationship, it might be harder and take longer to actually get over them. However, after a breakup, no matter how bad it was, we know we gotta move on because everyone needs a little bit of love and affection to live in this world.

What I learned from so many passing people in love was, when you love someone, do not afraid to lose yourself and sacrify yourself to fall in love. Love is not only blind but also deaf, dumb, and stupid. The fear that you have inside is from your greedy, selfish, sneaky mind. Once you truly love someone, you won't be able to hide yourself and might lose important things in your life, but after you get into a deep relationship, you'll get the worthwhile things back and find the treasure.

When I was in love with him, I was happy not to be apart but feeling guilty about that I was keeping him besides me even though my love has disappeared. However, after the desperate breakup, what I realized was I still loved him at that moment and was living in regreattable memories and the sorrow like a sad divorced woman or my mom. I couldn't get him back at the end and I still think I was stupid and made a wrong decision. I lost you.

Not Yet

You smile when you feel like crying
you act like you're okay.
When you're really falling apart inside,
and you eventually let it go.
You move on because there's nothing else you can do or say.
But I can still feel your love and anger at the same time,
and you don't seem to know how it hurts me and breaks down.

As we grow up, we'll learn that even the one person that wasn't
supposed to ever let you down probably will. We will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. When you leave someone, you'll also have a broken mind inside, so remember how
it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love and regret that you'd already left the one you truly loved in the past. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've
never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset
is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. 

Thanks to you, I learned the true love and would never force again to get you back because even though you say you're lonely in your life at this moment without me,I know you don't want to be with me anymore and I don't want to get hurt by watching you dying next to me, not in love...but I still love you because my heart doesn't tend to work in the same way my brain does. I thought I forgot you but unconsciously, I think of you. Is it how you wanted me to be supposed to? Fighting for this love with no purpose? Realising that all the conflicts and faults and feeling guilty? Is it all you can do? Why are you being so cruel and making me vulnerable? It's not who you were, isn't it? 

Danza Hermosa

I've been dancing in my whole life; ballet for 7 yrs, Tahitian(belly + Hawaiian hula dance) and cheeleading dance for 2 yrs, contemporary(modern) dance for 5 yrs, and hip-hop (freestyle) dance.
In this quarter, I had to take one of the art classes. Actually, I wanted to take a vocal class but after talking with an advisor, she said like, "Yes, you took dance classes in high school. So, why don't you take a performance class. You can definitely get the permission from the prof.!"
And now, I'm sitting in front of my laptop computer and searching for any songs for my final term...I've been having choreographies almost everyday with my partner but nothing seems to be getting better.

Here are the songs I picked;
Sergio Mendes Ft. Black Eyed Peas - Mas Que Nada (Samba Pt.)
Mika - Happy Ending (Contemporary Pt.)
Nelly - Just A Dream (Hip-Hop)


The final-term one is limited to 20 minutes but I don't know he and I can dance for the whole period...dah! It's chaos! Only 2 weeks left and my whole body are already torn.

If you have any ideas, please comment here or tell me asap! :)

In the morning, the first thing I think of is what you would do today.

I spend more time thinking of you.

I feel stuck and act like a loser in this love.

I know I shouldn't be missing you.

I used to be high-demanding and disrespectful to you.

All of a sudden though,

I started thinking about you nonstop.

I seriously cannot get you out of my head.

I've fallen into this deep spiral of sadness.

I feel so alone and lost,

even though I know he's not looking back at me.

What happened to me? What have I done?

                                                

I'll Get Back Up Again

If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double dahlias in his garden, or looking for dinosaur eggs in the Gobi desert.  He will not be searching for happiness as if it were a collar button that has rolled under the radiator.  He will not be striving for it as a goal in itself.  He will have become aware that he is happy in the course of living life twenty-four crowded hours of the day. 

Happiness must be allowed to grow up.

Korean War Again?

I've heard that some serious situations have been happening at the borders between North and South Koreas. Unbelievable emotional attacks have been already emerged with no question.

I assume that it's another starting point for the second War in Korea, as the two Koreas are still technically at war. (the Korean War ended only with a truce.)

The overall North Korea's attacks threatened not only South Korea but also all over the world.

Some developed countries such as U.S. or UK have argued and blamed for the world,which cannot condemn N. Korea's violent bombs, because N. Korea has the active nuclear weapons.

Tensions rose sharply at this point and what would end them up has unanswered yet. However, the only certain thing is, unless they negotiate to change their opinions, they would keep expressing concern over the exchange of fire and the peace and stability would never work on the Korean territories.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-11818005?ref=nf

Additional Notification : No school today due to the snow storm coming in Seattle.

Christmas Tree Lighting

Finally snowing in Seattle! Yeah!
After school, I couldn't stop my excited feelings coming out. I directly went to Panera Bread to get some scones and to the library to meet my best friend, Changhyun(?) Oppa.
I completely wrapped all my body with few layers of clothes, gloves, and thick tight knee highs. He and I went to downtown to shop around and take some snow pics. We couldn't stop shivering our bodies while walking on the street and couldn't walk so fast because of the ground freeze.
I was not in a good mood because of the fact that I'm still single even though I'm having the bestest weather in the snow. It's what people say "pathetic".
Getting home, I cooked for myself...ugh, getting more pathetic?

I cooked a curry dish with yums, onions, carrots, and other stuffs and another dish of savory seasoned turkey breast. It was not that bad but could have been better if I had someone to eat with. If anyone wishes to have a great meal cooked by me, then please tell me so. :)

Catch Me If You Can

In the studying area on the first floor, there were a guy and a girl studying together for a midterm.
The guy kept staring at the girl and they suddenly got eye-contacted.
Girl : "Something on my face?" with a smiling face.
Guy : "Nah...I just...think you always look pretty even though I don't even know your name..."
Girl : "Oh, I didn't tell you that yet? blah blah...you also look good."
Guy : "Thanks. I've been watching you for a while and still thinking the same."
She got blushed and when she knew about him, she suddenly looked blue.
Silence came over.
Guy : "Did I say something I shouldn't do?"
There was no reason why she couldn't hide her sad face,
but at somewhere in the middle of her heart,
where the guy could possibly transpass into,
for that little short time,
she realised she wasn't able to forget someone else.

When a guy who really loves you reminds the one you loved before...then, would you be able to fall in love with the new guy even though you're still not forgetting the last one?

I thought I could do and be over you.
but my heart cannot change.
I'm still the one who I used to be with you.
Why am I so stupid not gettin' over it?

Complexity

In the morning, I suddenly felt that I needed to not only build some muscle but also gain some weight.
Compared to my circumstance, my friends tend to be on a diet currently, which means I can't ask them about how to gain weight and be healthy...?

The weird thing is...
I do eat alot more than a person is required to have for a meal.
I don't really work out these days but I walk home after school, even when it's really dark outside.
I meet friends to chat with for socializing
I study almost all day long so there's no way to lose weight.
In spite of this daily lifestyle,
I'm losing weight due to all the stresses, mental anxiety, and depression...

What I've tried last night with one of my healthy friends was...
eating some junk food to gain fats first of all.
Simply,
Salmon salad including some other fruits and veggies + rose wine + 16 oz marshmallows + 11 oz chocolate bar + Haagen-Dazs Pistachio ice cream covered with whipped cream and cherries + Chopped mango + 2 cups strawberry milk + Crispy hash browns + some other snacks
After eating all these stuffs, my belly felt like pretty much filled with so many things.
So, when I woke up in this morning, I weighed myself to see if I gained and the scale was pointing 88 lbs.
It's pretty much less than I expected. Even though all the things I had last night were greasy and fatty with over ten thousand calories, I didn't get at all. I also wondered if it's because I'm recently on my period for 2 weeks.
Or...like my doctor told me before, my body doesn't tend to absorb any vitamins and nutritions from food and that's why I always feel dizzy and mentally sensitive to move.
Everytime...I want to ask my body like, "What's wrong with you?"
You don't seem healthy but weak and out of energy!
Is there a way that I can be in a normal body shape instead of drinkin'?

Hey sweetie, can you imagine that?

Christmas is finally coming!

I am already counting down the days left.

The fact we're apart now,

and we can't be together for Christmas,

makes me feel sad and lonely.

But sincerely, I wish you a...

Darling,

I might have this Christmas with my friends,

with cups of Hot Chocolate

and sweetened cookies and pies.

I already started lighting my Christmas tree

and putting red clothes on.

Hope you have the bestest winter with the white snow.

We're no longer lovers like this.

But I give you the most romantic hugs and kisses

in your dream.

Make your Christmas special! :D

My point

Things in my head:
Christmas
The rain and the snow
Hot chocolate with extra mashmallows
Krispy Kreme donuts
Love and faith
Old photos and memories
Skiing and snowboarding
Projects and assignments
God and the church
Traveling
Changing a major and running start
How to put a smile
Hugs and kisses
PJ sandwiches and bananas
How to use my new iPhone 4
Lost recipes
Broken nails and extreme hair losses
Success in physics
Waiting for calls
Seeking for something I've lost
Coldness
Flash mobs @ city centre
Red, green, and white
Decorating my house with earth colour
You
What to do on this Thursday
Little beads on the floor
Ugh, too much...

It was You.

We've already tasted love.
It was bitter but so sweet.
It was fall to devastating.
It worked so much in mysterious way,
and our emotional minds couldn't be negotiated across the time.
You said there was nothing else you could do to back up.
I realised nothing else could satisfy me.
So you can keep my love to yourself.

Heartbreak?

Wanting you is hard to forget,
Loving you is hard to regret,
Losing you is hard to accept,
But even with all the hurt I've felt,
Letting go is the most painful yet.


Sometimes I hope we're still friends when I get married.
I hope that I'll invite you to the wedding and you'll come.
Then you'll see me as the happiest girl in the world.
You'll see me with a guy that treats me right
and loves me more than himself.

You'll see all that you could've had and you'll regret letting me go.

I cried today... not because I miss you... or even wanted you...

but because I realized I'm gonna be all right without you.

The thing that I want you to see the most is that I survived without you.

You hurt me more then I deserve, how can you be so cruel?

I love you more then you deserve, why am I such a fool?

You asked me what was wrong, I smiled and said nothing,

when you turned around and a tear came down

and I whispered to myself... everything is.

The hardest thing about growing up is

that you have to do what is right for you

even if it means breaking someone's heart.

Including your own.

Shit...but I see you're not mine anymore.

Crying Out to God

This is my prayer.
Jesus, I bow my knees at the cross.
In the hunger and need,
I'll be praising you, God.
People have been betraying and walked away from me,
even I screamed their names for them to give me more chances.
In every moment, they didn't answer me.
I feel blue and depressed.
Nobody can fix me unless you save my life here again, who desires more to see.


Whenever I worship you with my hands up on the air,
I feel your love, mercy, and Holy Spirit raining down.
My body starts to shiver and my tears fall down like a storm.
I feel the fire beneath my feet.
Nobody can stop your endless, timeless love towards me.
I see your victorious, glorious works.


Here in my life,
You're my freedom.
I remember how you saw me.
My soul come and seek you forever.
As You are high and lifted up,
every prayer and every cry,
You alone satisfy.
You are where I belong.


Even when the one I love so much left me alone,
You, God, are still here.
The darkness trembles in your Holy light.
Please let hope rise.
Let me walk forward and be stronger,
I'm nothing without you, God.
With everything,
I'll shout forth Your praise.
You're alone my God.
Be glorified.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.

The Nurturer

As an ISFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you takes things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.

ISFJs live in a world that is concrete and kind. They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best.

ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems.

ISFJs have a very clear idea of the way things should be, which they strive to attain. They value security and kindness, and respect traditions and laws. They tend to believe that existing systems are there because they work. Therefore, they're not likely to buy into doing things in a new way, unless they're shown in a concrete way why its better than the established method.

ISFJs learn best by doing, rather than by reading about something in a book, or applying theory. For this reason, they are not likely to be found in fields which require a lot of conceptual analysis or theory. They value practical application. The ISFJ learns a task best by being shown its practical application. Once the task is learned, and its practical importance is understood, the ISFJ will faithfully and tirelessly carry through the task to completion. The ISFJ is extremely dependable.

The ISFJ has an extremely well-developed sense of space, function, and aesthetic appeal. For that reason, they're likely to have beautifully furnished, functional homes. They make extremely good interior decorators. This special ability, combined with their sensitivity to other's feelings and desires, makes them very likely to be great gift-givers - finding the right gift which will be truly appreciated by the recipient.

More so than other types, ISFJs are extremely aware of their own internal feelings, as well as other people's feelings. They do not usually express their own feelings, keeping things inside. If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set. Many ISFJs learn to express themselves, and find outlets for their powerful emotions.

Just as the ISFJ is not likely to express their feelings, they are also not likely to let on that they know how others are feeling. However, they will speak up when they feel another individual really needs help, and in such cases they can truly help others become aware of their feelings.

The ISFJ feels a strong sense of responsibility and duty. They take their responsibilities very seriously, and can be counted on to follow through. For this reason, people naturally tend to rely on them. The ISFJ has a difficult time saying "no" when asked to do something, and may become over-burdened. In such cases, the ISFJ does not usually express their difficulties to others, because they intensely dislike conflict, and because they tend to place other people's needs over their own. The ISFJ needs to learn to identify, value, and express their own needs, if they wish to avoid becoming over-worked and taken for granted.

ISFJs need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, the ISFJ gets discouraged, and may even become depressed. When down on themselves or under great stress, the ISFJ begins to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in their life. They have strong feelings of inadequacy, and become convinced that "everything is all wrong", or "I can't do anything right".

The ISFJ is warm, generous, and dependable. They have many special gifts to offer, in their sensitivity to others, and their strong ability to keep things running smoothly. They need to remember to not be overly critical of themselves, and to give themselves some of the warmth and love which they freely dispense to others.

Confession

Jesus Son of God,
I've sinned against You.
I've blamed on you with unrighteousness.
But you've never left me to protect me.
Cover my sins and shame.
Let me never repeat the unforgivable faults.
Your grace and worthy reign on the Earth.
You sacrificed of Yourself to save me.
I know Your forgiveness will flow to me from the cross.

Let the people know You're mighty to save.

That's why I praise and worship you, Lord.

Come into my heart and Heal my fragile and broken heart with your mercy.

I repent with humble heart and be sincere as a little child,

as You are the only one I need.

Because You are my Lord,

No evil shall befall me.

No grief and guilt would overtake me.

God, You're glorious to me a sinner.

I may walk and live with Your truth and everlasting love.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Your Love is Extravagant!

After praying for a while with my tears coming out like a rainy storm, I realised God would never leave or forsake me...even when nobody stays besides me. Nothing even seems to stay the same and people can change and walk away from me, but Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. When everything around me is changing and I don't know what to do and where to go, God changes my life and lets me walk with him.

I prayed and asked you God to give me a faithful guy so that he and I can be together in God's love. I sometimes begged you like, "Give me a chance please. The whole feelings I'm getting from this real world are hurting and killing me. Please make me be faithful and strong in love, God." However, is this lonely love I'm in desperately what you meant to give me the right answer?" God, you don't seem to answer my prayers or, are you keeping them for the future? Nah...I think It's because I'm not there yet to hear. Therefore, I don't worry about tomorrow as Father in heaven make me be happy and know what is true joy and happiness.

God loves you completely and unconditionally.

God loves you on your good days and on your bad days.
God loves you when you’re kind to others and when you’re not.
God loves you when you have great faith…and when your faith is wavering.
God doesn’t care what you look like…whether you’re beautiful in the world’s eyes or not.

God loves you regardless of how you feel about Him or treat Him.

There is nothing you can do that will make God stop loving you.

You can reject Him. He still loves you.

You can run from Him. He still loves you.

You can hurt Him and curse Him. He still loves you.

He loves you simply because He chooses to. He always will.

By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has beheld God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us. -John 4:9-12- 

Why Am I So Afraid To Lose You When You're Not Even Mine?

I love the way you make me laugh
I love the way you make me smile...
Everything you do
They stay for a while...
We had so much fun
I thought I would regret at first
Not until I remembered the bliss...
You make me feel loved
You make me feel ease...


I told you my secrets
You still didn't tease...
My heart beats a thousand miles
Just the thought of you makes me blush...
I can't help but smile
As my cheeks feel the blood rush...
Now we rarely talk
I ask myself: "What's wrong?"
"Did I do something wrong?" "What did I do?"


Your behaviours say: "in a relationship"
In my mind I wonder who,
Making me step back from you...
I think about the good times we had
And the ones that make me feel blue...,
Starting hating myself for staring at the phone.


Now I fear the bond we have is next
I cry thousands of tears all for you...
It breaks my heart so badly
To see you like this...
I try to stop the tears
So you don't see me weakened.
I wonder why I care so much
But I ask myself every time...
Why am is so afraid to lose you
When you aren't even mine...?

There's no happiness.

When I see your smile, I know that's not for me. When you treat me like nobody, I want to stop the time so that I can have my own time to realise what's going on between you and me.
I know you're not feeling in the same way I do. It's like something's squeezing the bottom of my heart. I can't stop being hurted by the little scars and I'm still dying inside, losing my time, and putting my self to become vulnerable and fragile.
My heart doesn't work like I think. In the brain, the subtle memories and moments we've shared gathered and they got me breaking down. If I remembered you right, you used to be the bestest one for me. However, as I expected, you were not the same one. I was disappointed, frustrated, desperate, and missing, but happier than before. The mixed feelings were staying inside my mind and I didn't know how to express them. The words I wanted to say to you stucked in my throat and the only one thing I could do was putting uncomfortable smile on my face so that at least I can make you smile.


Today, I wandered around on the street where I've never been but I couldn't feel the darkness and the coldness. I was listening to my iPod and suddenly started thinking like, 'What if he doesn't love me anymore but pretends like he would get back to love because I look pathetic?' 'Would I hope another confession from him?' 'I suddenly disappeared and got back again like a snap. Would he be confused and getting over about all the sudden behaviors I've done to him?' 'What if he wants another love? Would I be able to love another guy and pretend to him like when we met at the first time?'...Should I let him go because he seems like he's doing great without me, well-sociable, and most of all, he acted awkward when he met me...?
People fall in and out of love every day. For those who are in the midst of it, it does not feel like an every day experience. It feels as if the earth is out of orbit, or the sky is no longer blue. Relationships too often end in bitterness and accusations. We are capable of loving without regret, yet we allow ourselves to wallow in regret and if-only.

How to Love Without Regret

1. I want to define love before we begin these steps. Love is action. The actions of love are kindness, compromise, respect, friendship, conversing, honesty, integrity, truthfulness and honoring the other person's individuality. No part of love dishonors the other persons individuality.


2. As with any loss, there is grief. Allow yourself to experience the grief of loss. Try not to question yourself or the other person. Try not to look for blame. Remind yourself it take two people to make a relationship, and if one is unwilling to work at it, there is nothing anyone else can do. Just as often, both parties share the blame.


3. Take out your paper and pen and list all the qualities you loved in the other person. While you are at it, list all the qualities you have which are worthy of love. Be honest, concise and do not get lost in recriminations. You should be able to come up with at least ten items for each list. The more you come up with the better this will work.


4. When you are done, review your list. Both of you have at least 10 good qualities if not more. You are both basically good people. Realize the because the relationship between you did not work out, does not mean either of you is a bad person. It means one of you, or both of you, has chosen to make a change. There may not be one reason, it may be a collection of things neither of you can clearly identify.


5. Look at the good times you shared. Remember the reasons you fell in love. Look at your list and remind yourself the other one is still a good person. Let go and move on. Occasionally ex lovers can be friends, but it is rare. It is better emotionally to break the tie. If you go through this process of identifying the good qualities, realizing there were good reasons to love the other one, but also realize everyone has free will and can choose to move apart. Accept that people change with time. Look at this relationship as a training ground for the next. After a while you can examine your relationship honestly and see the places where you faltered. Find ways to change, not for him or her, but for the next person you love. Never allow yourself to regret having loved. You gave of yourself and should not be bitter or ashamed.