Sunday, October 31, 2010

Heartbreak?


Wanting you is hard to forget,
Loving you is hard to regret,
Losing you is hard to accept,
But even with all the hurt I've felt,
Letting go is the most painful yet.


Sometimes I hope we're still friends when I get married.
I hope that I'll invite you to the wedding and you'll come.
Then you'll see me as the happiest girl in the world.
You'll see me with a guy that treats me right
and loves me more than himself.
You'll see all that you could've had and you'll regret letting me go.

I cried today... not because I miss you... or even wanted you...
but because I realized I'm gonna be all right without you.
The thing that I want you to see the most is that I survived without you.

You hurt me more then I deserve, how can you be so cruel?
I love you more then you deserve, why am I such a fool?


You asked me what was wrong, I smiled and said nothing,
when you turned around and a tear came down
and I whispered to myself... everything is.

The hardest thing about growing up is
that you have to do what is right for you
even if it means breaking someone's heart.
Including your own.
Shit...but I see you're not mine anymore.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Crying Out to God


This is my prayer.
Jesus, I bow my knees at the cross.
In the hunger and need,
I'll be praising you, God.
People have been betraying and walked away from me,
even I screamed their names for them to give me more chances.
In every moment, they didn't answer me.
I feel blue and depressed.
Nobody can fix me unless you save my life here again, who desires more to see.


Whenever I worship you with my hands up on the air,
I feel your love, mercy, and Holy Spirit raining down.
My body starts to shiver and my tears fall down like a storm.
I feel the fire beneath my feet.
Nobody can stop your endless, timeless love towards me.
I see your victorious, glorious works.


Here in my life,
You're my freedom.
I remember how you saw me.
My soul come and seek you forever.
As You are high and lifted up,
every prayer and every cry,
You alone satisfy.
You are where I belong.


Even when the one I love so much left me alone,
You, God, are still here.
The darkness trembles in your Holy light.
Please let hope rise.
Let me walk forward and be stronger,
I'm nothing without you, God.
With everything,
I'll shout forth Your praise.
You're alone my God.
Be glorified.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.



Friday, October 29, 2010

The Nurturer

As an ISFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you takes things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.
ISFJs live in a world that is concrete and kind. They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best.
ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems.
ISFJs have a very clear idea of the way things should be, which they strive to attain. They value security and kindness, and respect traditions and laws. They tend to believe that existing systems are there because they work. Therefore, they're not likely to buy into doing things in a new way, unless they're shown in a concrete way why its better than the established method.
ISFJs learn best by doing, rather than by reading about something in a book, or applying theory. For this reason, they are not likely to be found in fields which require a lot of conceptual analysis or theory. They value practical application. The ISFJ learns a task best by being shown its practical application. Once the task is learned, and its practical importance is understood, the ISFJ will faithfully and tirelessly carry through the task to completion. The ISFJ is extremely dependable.
The ISFJ has an extremely well-developed sense of space, function, and aesthetic appeal. For that reason, they're likely to have beautifully furnished, functional homes. They make extremely good interior decorators. This special ability, combined with their sensitivity to other's feelings and desires, makes them very likely to be great gift-givers - finding the right gift which will be truly appreciated by the recipient.
More so than other types, ISFJs are extremely aware of their own internal feelings, as well as other people's feelings. They do not usually express their own feelings, keeping things inside. If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set. Many ISFJs learn to express themselves, and find outlets for their powerful emotions.
Just as the ISFJ is not likely to express their feelings, they are also not likely to let on that they know how others are feeling. However, they will speak up when they feel another individual really needs help, and in such cases they can truly help others become aware of their feelings.
The ISFJ feels a strong sense of responsibility and duty. They take their responsibilities very seriously, and can be counted on to follow through. For this reason, people naturally tend to rely on them. The ISFJ has a difficult time saying "no" when asked to do something, and may become over-burdened. In such cases, the ISFJ does not usually express their difficulties to others, because they intensely dislike conflict, and because they tend to place other people's needs over their own. The ISFJ needs to learn to identify, value, and express their own needs, if they wish to avoid becoming over-worked and taken for granted.
ISFJs need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, the ISFJ gets discouraged, and may even become depressed. When down on themselves or under great stress, the ISFJ begins to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in their life. They have strong feelings of inadequacy, and become convinced that "everything is all wrong", or "I can't do anything right".
The ISFJ is warm, generous, and dependable. They have many special gifts to offer, in their sensitivity to others, and their strong ability to keep things running smoothly. They need to remember to not be overly critical of themselves, and to give themselves some of the warmth and love which they freely dispense to others.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Confession

Jesus Son of God,
I've sinned against You.
I've blamed on you with unrighteousness.
But you've never left me to protect me.
Cover my sins and shame.
Let me never repeat the unforgivable faults.
Your grace and worthy reign on the Earth.
You sacrificed of Yourself to save me.
I know Your forgiveness will flow to me from the cross.

Let the people know You're mighty to save.
That's why I praise and worship you, Lord.
Come into my heart and Heal my fragile and broken heart with your mercy.
I repent with humble heart and be sincere as a little child,
as You are the only one I need.

Because You are my Lord,
No evil shall befall me.
No grief and guilt would overtake me.
God, You're glorious to me a sinner.
I may walk and live with Your truth and everlasting love.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Your Love is Extravagant!

After praying for a while with my tears coming out like a rainy storm, I realised God would never leave or forsake me...even when nobody stays besides me. Nothing even seems to stay the same and people can change and walk away from me, but Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. When everything around me is changing and I don't know what to do and where to go, God changes my life and lets me walk with him.

I prayed and asked you God to give me a faithful guy so that he and I can be together in God's love. I sometimes begged you like, "Give me a chance please. The whole feelings I'm getting from this real world are hurting and killing me. Please make me be faithful and strong in love, God." However, is this lonely love I'm in desperately what you meant to give me the right answer?" God, you don't seem to answer my prayers or, are you keeping them for the future? Nah...I think It's because I'm not there yet to hear. Therefore, I don't worry about tomorrow as Father in heaven make me be happy and know what is true joy and happiness.

God loves you completely and unconditionally.

God loves you on your good days and on your bad days.
God loves you when you’re kind to others and when you’re not.
God loves you when you have great faith…and when your faith is wavering.
God doesn’t care what you look like…whether you’re beautiful in the world’s eyes or not.
God loves you regardless of how you feel about Him or treat Him.

There is nothing you can do that will make God stop loving you.
You can reject Him. He still loves you.
You can run from Him. He still loves you.
You can hurt Him and curse Him. He still loves you.
He loves you simply because He chooses to. He always will.

By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has beheld God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us. -John 4:9-12- 

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Why Am I So Afraid To Lose You When You're Not Even Mine?

I love the way you make me laugh
I love the way you make me smile...
Everything you do
They stay for a while...
We had so much fun
I thought I would regret at first
Not until I remembered the bliss...
You make me feel loved
You make me feel ease...


I told you my secrets
You still didn't tease...
My heart beats a thousand miles
Just the thought of you makes me blush...
I can't help but smile
As my cheeks feel the blood rush...
Now we rarely talk
I ask myself: "What's wrong?"
"Did I do something wrong?" "What did I do?"


Your behaviours say: "in a relationship"
In my mind I wonder who,
Making me step back from you...
I think about the good times we had
And the ones that make me feel blue...,
Starting hating myself for staring at the phone.


Now I fear the bond we have is next
I cry thousands of tears all for you...
It breaks my heart so badly
To see you like this...
I try to stop the tears
So you don't see me weakened.
I wonder why I care so much
But I ask myself every time...
Why am is so afraid to lose you
When you aren't even mine...?

Thursday, October 7, 2010

There's no happiness.

When I see your smile, I know that's not for me. When you treat me like nobody, I want to stop the time so that I can have my own time to realise what's going on between you and me.
I know you're not feeling in the same way I do. It's like something's squeezing the bottom of my heart. I can't stop being hurted by the little scars and I'm still dying inside, losing my time, and putting my self to become vulnerable and fragile.
My heart doesn't work like I think. In the brain, the subtle memories and moments we've shared gathered and they got me breaking down. If I remembered you right, you used to be the bestest one for me. However, as I expected, you were not the same one. I was disappointed, frustrated, desperate, and missing, but happier than before. The mixed feelings were staying inside my mind and I didn't know how to express them. The words I wanted to say to you stucked in my throat and the only one thing I could do was putting uncomfortable smile on my face so that at least I can make you smile.


Today, I wandered around on the street where I've never been but I couldn't feel the darkness and the coldness. I was listening to my iPod and suddenly started thinking like, 'What if he doesn't love me anymore but pretends like he would get back to love because I look pathetic?' 'Would I hope another confession from him?' 'I suddenly disappeared and got back again like a snap. Would he be confused and getting over about all the sudden behaviors I've done to him?' 'What if he wants another love? Would I be able to love another guy and pretend to him like when we met at the first time?'...Should I let him go because he seems like he's doing great without me, well-sociable, and most of all, he acted awkward when he met me...?
People fall in and out of love every day. For those who are in the midst of it, it does not feel like an every day experience. It feels as if the earth is out of orbit, or the sky is no longer blue. Relationships too often end in bitterness and accusations. We are capable of loving without regret, yet we allow ourselves to wallow in regret and if-only.
How to Love Without Regret
1. I want to define love before we begin these steps. Love is action. The actions of love are kindness, compromise, respect, friendship, conversing, honesty, integrity, truthfulness and honoring the other person's individuality. No part of love dishonors the other persons individuality.


2. As with any loss, there is grief. Allow yourself to experience the grief of loss. Try not to question yourself or the other person. Try not to look for blame. Remind yourself it take two people to make a relationship, and if one is unwilling to work at it, there is nothing anyone else can do. Just as often, both parties share the blame.


3. Take out your paper and pen and list all the qualities you loved in the other person. While you are at it, list all the qualities you have which are worthy of love. Be honest, concise and do not get lost in recriminations. You should be able to come up with at least ten items for each list. The more you come up with the better this will work.


4. When you are done, review your list. Both of you have at least 10 good qualities if not more. You are both basically good people. Realize the because the relationship between you did not work out, does not mean either of you is a bad person. It means one of you, or both of you, has chosen to make a change. There may not be one reason, it may be a collection of things neither of you can clearly identify.


5. Look at the good times you shared. Remember the reasons you fell in love. Look at your list and remind yourself the other one is still a good person. Let go and move on. Occasionally ex lovers can be friends, but it is rare. It is better emotionally to break the tie. If you go through this process of identifying the good qualities, realizing there were good reasons to love the other one, but also realize everyone has free will and can choose to move apart. Accept that people change with time. Look at this relationship as a training ground for the next. After a while you can examine your relationship honestly and see the places where you faltered. Find ways to change, not for him or her, but for the next person you love. Never allow yourself to regret having loved. You gave of yourself and should not be bitter or ashamed.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

You're my obsession.

Have you ever walked on the street alone and thought like you were miserable to death? I even tried to date other guys whoever they were. Even though they did so hard to turn me on and give flirting smiles, but nothing couldn't make me satisfied. I suddenly recognised what I had done was totally in vain and against my mind. Kissed and hugged by my date partners, I couldn't feel anything and I thought 'what the crap did I just do like a whore?'...
Whatever I do, wherever I go, yes, I am surrounded by guys. Some misunderstand that and say like, 'my god! She got a new one, changing her guy like every month.' I really don't care whatever they talk about me, but inside myself, where people cannot look up, it's already hurted, broken, stabbed, and bleeding.
After a breakup, people left an irrevocable consequence between themselves. They seem like they gotta restart their lives with another love coming soon but they cannot because they've been used to the previous love relationship. It's like schools. When you're graduated from a high school and you need to get start your college life, but the first thing you realise is you pretty miss the high school memories and want to hang out again with your old friends.

I found out some issues about saying 'I love you' that some of my friends brought up for me...(They make me think all day long and stuck me in the corner of my terrace.) As I think with my cultural background, (I think) saying 'I love you' to whoever they are, has been a simple, outward expression. You don't usually look at the person, figure out if you truly love him/her, and spell it out like a proposal. But, the term 'I love you' carries tremendous meanings and weight and it is extremely powerful, so if you don't mean to say it, don't you overuse it all the time. Like that one track you listen to a hundred times because you found it so profound. What once had tememdous impact on you, that you never thought you would get sick of or tired of listening to, now finds itself meaningless. So goes that way of “I love you” over time. =)

pūoru


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