There's no happiness.

When I see your smile, I know that's not for me. When you treat me like nobody, I want to stop the time so that I can have my own time to realise what's going on between you and me.
I know you're not feeling in the same way I do. It's like something's squeezing the bottom of my heart. I can't stop being hurted by the little scars and I'm still dying inside, losing my time, and putting my self to become vulnerable and fragile.
My heart doesn't work like I think. In the brain, the subtle memories and moments we've shared gathered and they got me breaking down. If I remembered you right, you used to be the bestest one for me. However, as I expected, you were not the same one. I was disappointed, frustrated, desperate, and missing, but happier than before. The mixed feelings were staying inside my mind and I didn't know how to express them. The words I wanted to say to you stucked in my throat and the only one thing I could do was putting uncomfortable smile on my face so that at least I can make you smile.


Today, I wandered around on the street where I've never been but I couldn't feel the darkness and the coldness. I was listening to my iPod and suddenly started thinking like, 'What if he doesn't love me anymore but pretends like he would get back to love because I look pathetic?' 'Would I hope another confession from him?' 'I suddenly disappeared and got back again like a snap. Would he be confused and getting over about all the sudden behaviors I've done to him?' 'What if he wants another love? Would I be able to love another guy and pretend to him like when we met at the first time?'...Should I let him go because he seems like he's doing great without me, well-sociable, and most of all, he acted awkward when he met me...?
People fall in and out of love every day. For those who are in the midst of it, it does not feel like an every day experience. It feels as if the earth is out of orbit, or the sky is no longer blue. Relationships too often end in bitterness and accusations. We are capable of loving without regret, yet we allow ourselves to wallow in regret and if-only.

How to Love Without Regret

1. I want to define love before we begin these steps. Love is action. The actions of love are kindness, compromise, respect, friendship, conversing, honesty, integrity, truthfulness and honoring the other person's individuality. No part of love dishonors the other persons individuality.


2. As with any loss, there is grief. Allow yourself to experience the grief of loss. Try not to question yourself or the other person. Try not to look for blame. Remind yourself it take two people to make a relationship, and if one is unwilling to work at it, there is nothing anyone else can do. Just as often, both parties share the blame.


3. Take out your paper and pen and list all the qualities you loved in the other person. While you are at it, list all the qualities you have which are worthy of love. Be honest, concise and do not get lost in recriminations. You should be able to come up with at least ten items for each list. The more you come up with the better this will work.


4. When you are done, review your list. Both of you have at least 10 good qualities if not more. You are both basically good people. Realize the because the relationship between you did not work out, does not mean either of you is a bad person. It means one of you, or both of you, has chosen to make a change. There may not be one reason, it may be a collection of things neither of you can clearly identify.


5. Look at the good times you shared. Remember the reasons you fell in love. Look at your list and remind yourself the other one is still a good person. Let go and move on. Occasionally ex lovers can be friends, but it is rare. It is better emotionally to break the tie. If you go through this process of identifying the good qualities, realizing there were good reasons to love the other one, but also realize everyone has free will and can choose to move apart. Accept that people change with time. Look at this relationship as a training ground for the next. After a while you can examine your relationship honestly and see the places where you faltered. Find ways to change, not for him or her, but for the next person you love. Never allow yourself to regret having loved. You gave of yourself and should not be bitter or ashamed.