And again, I broke up with my boyfriend desperately but silently without saying a word. The way he wrote the message left on Facebook was pretty much cruel to me. For few days, I've been drinking a lot to rebound and start over with my boyfriend and forget my past but all the things I've done have been nothing. My bf,...should I call him my ex? then, I couldn't let him stay beside me and he just left me away.
The pain and sorrow are coming to me cruely and obviously stabbing me inside. I thought I would not gonna cry anymore, but I'm crying, writing this post.
I should have told him about my past and what's going on in my mind. but after he knew everything about me, things were getting worse. I didn't want him to be around me..because...just in case, what if he's already known about me, even though I'm keeping my secrets deeply in my heart? And then, I started feeling horrible and realised he would leave me away, even though he was near me.
I had to lie over and over again. He started to doubt me and I've been a bad, untrustful, and suddenly disappeared girlfriend. I was getting tired of making excuses. And at the last moment, I didn't want to hide and told him the truth. I realised he got sick of this relationship and I was afraid to beg him to forgive me. I was a stupid coward.
Things were at the end and I could not say anymore. All the things he was saying to me were right and I could think that he was trying to break up. I suddenly felt like I'm walking on the broken glass pieces and I couldn't do anything like an idiot! I acted like a strong and big girl cuz I didn't want to get hurt like that again, but the pain was already hearting me out inside.
Even when I was writing the last message I sent to him, I couldn't beg him. I kept saying like, 'no, I can't just break up. Breaking up is not a game.' but I was confused and frustrated and he made everything so clear. The only thing that I could say at the moment was bye. It was totally a sad farewell.
Now, I'm still crying and crying, pretending like I feel nothing but sober? I don't know what I'm gonna do now...I can't even live for a second without him. I can beg and get him back but I'm still afraid and all I can think of was is he always told me like, 'If I break up with my girlfriend and even she begs for me to come back, I'll never turn back to go back to her. It's the way I do.'
I can't do anything. It's gonna kill me. I know I need to move on but I can't....I just can't stop loving him. We would have been perfect together but I know I messed up and it's all my fault.
I can't breathe. I can't focus. I can't even see the traffic lights while driving because of my tears. I know I need to keep this pain eating me up, but I can't because I want him more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. (Sweetie, once you read it, give me a call if you want.)
Otherwise, I can't decide what to do. I just made a counseling plan with my school advisor. If I can't get this through, I can't just stay here. I would go back to New Zealand as soon as possible as I've planned so far. I need to find out a new rebound before I kill myself.
-My blog would be closed until I get better.-
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